Hard on the Heart

The Fam-Bam, Thoughts from a Traveller

Hello reader,

This past week has been particularly hard on me. Living away from my family was more of an emotional strain than I ever could’ve imagined. Even though I’m living in a big city I still feel alone. Nothing compares to the company of familiarity.

I have zero practice at living away from my family as I moved straight out of home to another country. Learning to deal with the separation, not hearing their voices everyday. Only being able to talk through a phone or computer where they always sound, somewhat, robotic. It’s hard having to deal with it alone. Even though others here talk about missing their families, it’s not the same because there not missing my family. The challenges, though small, feel monstrous when it’s only you.

This past week has been particularly hard on me. People talk about how distance makes the heart grow fonder but no one ever talks about the in between. The times in the middle before the hearts are reconnected. No one ever explained how hard growing fonder can be. Maybe I’m confusing this stabbing feeling in my heart with just that. Fondness.

Distractions are often a half cure, a way to stop thinking about it. It’s always hard to fully commit to a distraction when your heart just isn’t in it. This doesn’t mean I never have fun or I’m not enjoying myself, just that I can’t commit every drop of myself to something new when I left a few drops back home. It’s like having that excited feeling all over your body except it doesn’t quite reach your fingers or toes. I’ve reserved my finger and toes excitement for home.

There is no way to reason with a hurting heart. You can’t tell it that its “only a matter of time” or “it’s not long now.” The brain does that part all on it’s own. Hearts and brains don’t speak the same language. Not even close.

This past week has been particularly hard on me. I miss my family with all of my growing fondness. I miss their warmth, their laughs, their presence. I miss not missing out. I’m so grateful for everything I had back home and my only regret was ever taking that for granted. They should change it to “distance makes you realise what you had.” Distance gives you something to miss.

The most challenging part of this whole adventure is the fear that they might not miss me at all. Maybe, I never come up in conversation anymore. Maybe, I’m never a fleeting thought. It’s a small fear that while I’m over here, barely coping, they’re back home, coping just fine.

This past week has been particularly hard on me.

 

I should probably end this with something smart and catchy like xoxo Gossip Girl or Be Kind To One Another but falling short of a great idea,

Goodnight reader.

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